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Woodhurst Tourists Vicenza 2002
Baldacci, Matthew (Baldacci)
Date of Birth - 20th October 1971
Place of Birth - Wanstead
Games for the 'Hurst - 0(2)
Tour Debut - Southport 1999
No one has really seen much of this lad since last year's tour, and he's only been to one single game this season - and he left at half time. However, form goes out of the window on the Woodhurst tour and this is one lad that surely won't go missing, especially at the bar as he seeks to reacquaint himself with the fit and athletic lads of the club. A regular Tourist with the 'Hurst, the cockney wideboy gastronomy entrepreneur will again be at home with the fashion conscious Italians and whilst here Matt is trying to seal a deal for a job lot of 100% Italian Lycra.
Bashford, Nicholas (Bash)
Date of Birth - 18th October 1973
Place of Birth - Sutton Coldfield
Games for the 'Hurst - 81 (96 inc. friendlies)
Tour Debut - Southport 1997
Club captain and Events Manager, Brummie Bash has been as regular this year with social events as an OAP with constipation. We are now going on our first full rinse - except for the mandatory Christmas party - since Denmark twelve months ago. Unfortunately, the skipper missed out on Woodhurst's cup glory this term, however he is looking to extend the team's unbeaten European run as they seek their second consecutive overseas win. Bash brought his first bottle of 'Just For Men' shortly after Christmas.
Bradbury, James (Jamie)
Date of Birth - 9th April 1978
Place of Birth - Colchester
Games for the 'Hurst - 68 (77)
Tour Debut - Prague 2000
In the absence of Mike, Jamie has been the man behind the club this season and it won't be the first time. Concentrating on team affairs throughout the year has coincided with the drop in shower entertainment, but the Essex toe-rag is determined to put the work to one side for the tour. Speaking exclusively on his website, GermanSkids.com he said; "It's been a great season for me both professionally and personally, I had a tough time mid-way through the campaign, but the purchase of some new underwear got me back on track. Now, with the lads, I'll enjoy a few great days in Italy."
Bradbury, Matthew (Matt)
Date of Birth - 20th August 1975
Place of Birth - Colchester
Games for the 'Hurst - 0 (0)
Tour Debut - Vicenza 2002
Matt is a newcomer to a Woodhurst tour and is prepared for what lies ahead. Older brother of club marksman Jamie, Matt has been a witness to cup final shower scenes and is aware of what Ryan is capable of. He must now make the step up from spectator to show what he can do himself. However, the true test of this man's character will come when we land in Italy and Tarik hunts for red lights. Will he follow, or wait until the second night?
Fullerton, Jason (Dick of the Day)
Date of Birth - 14th December 1972
Place of Birth - Wanstead
Games for the 'Hurst - 206 (231)
Tour Debut - Southport 1994
Jason has settled down in the year since Aalborg and as well as finding himself a girlfriend, he's also gone on a barren spell of not winning Dick of the Day. A large part of that is down to the title not being awarded for some time, but Jason's confidence is high and he is hoping that he will remain off the DOTD list during the close season. However, with brandy being his regular tipple, the honour is surely not far away. Jason also has a selection of pirate DVD tapes for sale.
Houlton, Ryan (Leave it Ryan!)
Date of Birth - 6th July 1977
Place of Birth - Ilford
Games for the 'Hurst - 64 (72)
Tour Debut - Southport 1999
The fiery red-headed winger Ryan is a tour favourite. Not only is he a wonderful singer in the shower, he is also superb in a 'rinse' environment and has admitted to spending a lot of time on benders. This year the referee's friend is coming with us, but he's staying out for a few more days after. Claiming to have his girlfriend coming out, I think it is really a ploy to get together with last year's tour favourite, Lars. Ryan has had more bookings this year than Bernie Clifton.
Hughes, Stephen (Hughesy)
Date of Birth - 28th February 1973
Place of Birth - Stirling, Scotland
Games for the 'Hurst - 115 (130)
Tour Debut - Southport 1996
Steve is a loyal servant to Woodhurst and is always good for a laugh, if it's not the fact that he's a Sweaty posing as a Geordie, it's because he has a new car like a hairdresser's. The goal of the season winner has recently found a little joy in a new position. The former right-midfielder has had a successful spell at right-back since the injury to Jason and it's not the first time he's filled the barrow boy's slot at the back.
Jones, Paul (Jonah)
Date of Birth - 23rd September 1968
Place of Birth - Streatham
Games for the 'Hurst - 94 (102)
Tour Debut - Southport 1997
Shortly after advising me of his date of birth for this publication, Paul revealed his age to be 36. Something is not quite right with the mathematics of Woodhurst's very own Peter Pan and his real age is guarded more than Gareth Gates' rectum during the Pop Idol tour. Still yet to impress with a pint, Shandy drinker Jonah is under pressure to perform at the bar and has no doubt sought tips from his other half in the build up to this weekend.
Kelleher, Michael (Mike)
Date of Birth - 13th November 1972
Place of Birth - London
Games for the 'Hurst - 204 (248)
Tour Debut - Southport 1994
Mike turned his back on Woodhurst nearly a year ago for the sunny climes of Miami, but the fact he has returned for the tour is a testament not only to the man, but to the culture of The Club. If anyone doesn't recognise Mike, he's the one with the suntan and the white slip-on shoes who keeps saying, "Hey Guys, How you doin." Make sure, if we have a whip, Mike doesn't keep going to the bar. We don't want to blow all of our float on tips, you know what these 'Shermans' are like.
Lawley, Roy (Roynaldo)
Date of Birth - 24th September 1967
Place of Birth - Bethnal Green
Games for the 'Hurst - 107 (121)
Tour Debut - Southport 1997
Soft, shy, retiring and married to a transvestite, that's him. Roy Cropper from Coronation Street is one of namesake Lawley's favourite TV characters, but they couldn't be any more different. The cab-driver from Hornchurch is, and always was, as hard as a stale dog-turd even when he sported a spandau ballet-esque perm. Nowadays however, Roy is far more relaxed and would rather let his 'hard bastard' dog bite the crap out of anyone who annoys him. Roy keeps asking me for the addresses of our League's Referees.
McShea, Mark (Chicken)
Date of Birth - 6th April 1978
Place of Birth - Walthamstow
Games for the 'Hurst - 52 (59)
Tour Debut - Southport 1996
Winger Mark has raised many a laugh this season not least because of his tour-earned moniker. Whenever the younger of the Woodhurst McShea brothers is set to take a corner, the old favourites come out. Golden lines such as, "Chicken, box it", "Deliver Chicken" or Hughsie's personal favourite "Back door, Chicken". Mark will surely be tempted by the Latin ladies of Vicenza, and can probably show the rest of us a thing or two about picking them up. He's always got a foreign broad on the go and has already had joy with products of Spain, Ecuador, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina this year, to name but a few.
McShea, Paul (Macca)
Date of Birth - 7th May 1973
Place of Birth - Hackney
Games for the 'Hurst - 213 (251)
Tour Debut - Southport 1994
Like a vegetarian's fart, Macca is silent but extremely deadly. On first impressions the older McShea wouldn't say boo to a goose, but get near him in a Kamara strip and don't expect to bend your knees ever again. A regular on Woodhurst's tours from day one, Paul is good value at the bar and never disappoints. Bagged off last year in some kind of managè a quatre with Ryan and a couple of Danes, but got nothing more than covered head to foot in rain in the early hours of Sunday morning.
Mustafa, Tarik (Camcorder)
Date of Birth - 5th February 1977
Place of Birth - Walthamstow
Games for the 'Hurst - 0(1)
Tour Debut - Prague 2000
Like his bum-chum Baldacci, Tarik is rarely seen by most of us, unless of course we have a subscription to the Adult Channel or Television X. The Turkish breakdance king of 1994 is coming overseas again with Woodhurst for the third year in succession and will no doubt be up to his old tricks. One of Woodhurst's all-time greats had he any ability with a football but unfortunately for this lad and for the club, he hasn't. Rumour has it Mustafa has signed a four-year deal with Jeremy Beadle for his new show, You've Been Banged.
Parris, Terrence (POPS - Jason only, Terry - everyone else)
Date of Birth - 10th November 1963
Place of Birth - Birmingham
Games for the 'Hurst - 45 (48)
Tour Debut - Vicenza 2002
Not former gaffer Paul, aka Pops, but his brother, Terry is another newcomer to a Woodhurst tour. The distinguished Lord of Soho, he's the man to know if you want to get into a classy bar, a pair of Puma King or a tidy sort. A past inhabitant of our destined land and very well versed in Italian, Terry is one of two translators we have with us this year and will help us converse with the locals and also show us that not everyone from Birmingham is thick as Bash has been trying to do unsuccessfully for the last few years.
Pierson, Steven (Legend)
Date of Birth - 6th July 1978
Place of Birth - Leyton
Games for the 'Hurst - 47 (59)
Tour Debut - Southport 1996
The legend that is Steve Pierson never fails to amaze. The speed of this young man is wasted with Woodhurst as he has to wake up early on Sundays to play foorball. With the cup finals on the horizon and a sniff of silverware in the air, Pierson returned to action after a lengthy spell in Stratford in an attempt to get some action. His 20 minutes at the end of our second final were capped with an acrobatic effort but the ball landed in a nearby field.
Probert, Simon (Simon)
Date of Birth - 20th July 1981
Place of Birth - Islington
Games for the 'Hurst - 20 (23)
Tour Debut - Vicenza 2002
A first-time tourist with Woodhurst having joined the club at the start of the season, Simon is also the youngest player to be out in Vicenza but is unfortunately too young to remember Ken Boon. The tricky little striker settled into the Woodhurst way of life with a few goals and regular visits to the Nightingale and is now set for a full club rinse where he hopes to consolidate his position as our very own 'Lars'.
Sotherton, Ronald (Ron)
Date of Birth - 18th July 1949
Place of Birth - London
Games for the 'Hurst - 0 (0)
Tour Debut - Aalborg 2001
Within half an hour of his first Woodhurst tour, 'Iron' Ron Sotherton had ended a 7-year record by being the first person to be involved in a ruck. Ron's altercation came about when son Wesley was buggering about Burger King. An angry doorman turned on the pair and Ron responded by clocking him on the chin, seconds later the Jaguar man's glasses were on the floor. The oldest tourist for a number of years, he'll stand out from the rest of us wearing his blazer and cowboy boot combo.
Sotherton, Wesley (Fez)
Date of Birth - 17th August 1977
Place of Birth - Ilford
Games for the 'Hurst - 60 (69)
Tour Debut - Southport 1999
Wes has responded well this season to his new position of Assistant Club Secretary and has become far more accountable. Why, he's not asked his dad to down his pint for him all year. Languid in his demeanour on the pitch, he can go from running the game one week to running like a girl the next. Odds on to have Ron bail him out of another sticky situation this time around and may even ask for some extra pocket money should his funds run dry.
Souleyman, Jan (Jano)
Date of Birth - 12th September 1971
Place of Birth - Wanstead
Games for the 'Hurst - 86 (96)
Tour Debut - Southport 1997
Jan has mellowed somewhat this season since finding a nice young lady, but has spent much of his time hopping across the Atlantic to see her, so it could well be just jet-lag. The Woodhurst Players' Player of the Year has also made the number 14 shirt his own, you can see the rip in the collar where he's taken out his frustration, unless it was a screwdriver from a drum and monkey pikey. Avoid mentioning his resemblance to The Bill's Reg Hollis and you will escape his wrath.
Venn, Darren (Vialli)
Date of Birth - 14th April 1966
Place of Birth - Newbury
Games for the 'Hurst - 42 (48)
Tour Debut - Prague 2000
Woodhurst's first double winning gaffer, Darren teams up with his former charges in his new home town of Vicenza. Probably still bald, though his hair may well have grown back, the club has much to thank him for. Arranging the match against his club and sorting out the hotel, providing inspiration for the first overseas tour and for pointing us in the right direction of the now legendary Goldfinger's. Now in Europe's gold capital we expect a venue equally as appealing.
Woodham, James (Buffalo)
Date of Birth - 11th October 1971
Place of Birth - Forest Gate
Games for the 'Hurst - 300 (344)
Tour Debut - Southport 1994
The Phil Mitchell look-a-like has led the Club to their first treble success going one better than Mr. Venn. He'll be all out to exorcise the demons from last year's tour where, as well as shitting through the eye of a needle for 3 days, he was labelled 'Buffalo' after the barrel-chested monument in Aalborg town centre. Though the name has rarely been heard throughout the season, no doubt it will make a welcome return over the weekend to the delight of Macca. Jimmy is also looking to maintain his record of scoring in all of Woodhurst's matches in Europe.
Woods, Matthew (Woodsy)
Date of Birth - 18th January 1972
Place of Birth - Ormskirk
Games for the 'Hurst - 2 (0)
Tour Debut - Southport 1994
Scouser Matt is always a welcome addition to the tour and his loyalty to the club's social activities doesn't go unnoticed, even if our results do to him. A regular since the first tour 8 years ago, the Everton fan will no doubt appreciate the tour wear and crown his overall appearance by tucking his trousers into his socks. One of his finest tour moments came in the medieval bar along Jomfru ane Gade last year when he revealed his 80's Trevor Ross Everton jersey. He then went on to lose spoof in his customary manner. Woodsy ended up pissed.
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